


To Wage War

by LivingTheFandom



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Humor, Prank Wars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-23
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-16 21:58:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8118991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LivingTheFandom/pseuds/LivingTheFandom
Summary: Darcy takes on Clint in a small prank war that ends up having an unforeseen ending.





	

**Author's Note:**

> The usual "I don't own anything" disclaimer. Just having a bit of fun with some great characters. My first story posting here, no beta, so apologies in advance.

What. The. Hell.

Darcy knew she'd made a dozen raspberry & dark chocolate muffins. Exactly 12. There were 3 missing. She’d intended them for her PMS cravings this week and hadn't even had a chance to move them downstairs yet. The majority of the baking supplies were in the communal kitchen, so that's where she'd made them, tucking them away to cool while she checked on the scientists.

She knew Bruce, Tony, & Jane were in their labs. Thor was currently off world. Pepper was somewhere deep in Stark Industries territory. Steve would always ask first, and Bucky? Well, she had yet to actually see the elusive ex-assassin since Steve brought him home. That left their two resident spies. Both of whom had just returned from some undisclosed location. Cursing under her breath, she popped them into a storage container and went on her way to the lab. She slid them into her desk drawer in the lab and went on with her day.

The next morning, she discovered 3 more missing. 'This is so not ok', she thought, as she typed. Whoever was stealing her muffins was being warned off via a neon post-it note.

The next morning, her container held nothing but a few crumbs. That was it. Time to bring in the big guns.

"Jarvis, who ate all my damn muffins?"

"That would be Agent Barton, Miss Lewis."

"Fine. He wants to steal my food, he can suffer the consequence" she said, narrowing her eyes.

The next afternoon found a plate of peanut butter dog biscuits still sitting on Darcy's desk, minus one. Her bagel somehow managed to disappear during a quick jaunt to the ladies room though.

The following morning, Darcy and Jane arrived in the communal area together to grab breakfast around eight. Jane went to the cabinet to gather supplies for her peanut butter toast, while Darcy headed for the fridge, passing a half-asleep Barton slouched on the counter, waiting for the coffee pot. No one else was around, but it wasn't abnormal. She wondered where Natasha was, but figured Steve had already come & gone and Bruce & Tony would most likely still be sleeping. Or in their labs. Possibly both.

"Hey Birdbrain!" Tony yelled as he came in. "At least pretend to be housebroken and use a mug."

Clint turned around to make a face at him. "What would you know about being housebroken, Stark?"

While he was busy with Tony, Darcy quickly grabbed one of the spice jars that had been left out from dinner last night and dumped garlic salt into the pot. She slipped it back while watching it quickly dissolve into nothingness, grabbed her apple and hightailed it to the elevator. She was still a few feet away, the doors open and waiting when she heard the result of her deviousness. Clint's gasping and sputtering overlapped by Stark's yelling about cleaning up the mess.

She's pretty sure they could hear her cackling three floors down.

The next morning finds everything in the lab covered in googly eyes.

Unfortunately for Clint, both girls find it more cute and amusing than annoying. In fact, they end up leaving many of them on and giving their equipment names. Henrique was a perfectly suitable name for a whiteboard, after all. Tony was a bit bewildered at first, but "Hey, whatever floats your boat”.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It stops being amusing as soon as Darcy notices her iPod is missing. In it's place is a post it note and written in a messy scrawl are the words 'one hand is longer than the other, but you don't need a doc. It has numbers 1 thru 12, time to look near a...' Clock. She glanced around, spying one on the far side of the room. With a neon green post-it right on it's center, same handwriting with another riddle.

'That bastard!' she shrieked. "He's got me on a freaking scavenger hunt!"

An hour and ten clues later and Darcy has found her beloved iPod under the supply of dry erase markers. Taking a deep breath to relieve frustration, she pops in her ear buds, hits play, and instantly freezes. After a moment or two of banjos, she quickly starts to scroll. She can't believe it! He changed her music.

Shouting a quick "I'll be back" to Jane, Darcy stormed out of the lab to Barton's apartment. When she received no response to beating on his door, she tried the common area. The only ones there were Bruce, reading a book, and Steve, who was drawing in a sketchpad.

"Have either of you seen Barton?" She asked.

While they both looked up, it was Bruce who answered her. "Not since yesterday."

"God dammit!" she swore. When she saw Steve's raised eyebrows, she apologized quickly. "Sorry. He hid my iPod and when I finally found it, he'd changed all my music!"

"Can it be fixed?" Steve seemed genuinely concerned that Clint might have done real damage to it.

"Well yeah, but that's not the point. He violated the sanctity of the tunes!" she cried. The poor man just looked confused. Bruce had gone back to his book. "Ugh. Let me know if you happen to see him around." Dual agreements met her request so she returned to her lab to start putting her tunes back where they belonged.

While her iPod was updating itself, Darcy let her mind wander to what she could do to get back at Clint. She was so distracted that she didn't even notice that Jane had stopped working and joined her at her desk.

"What's got you so distracted today?"

"Clint. He keep messing with me." At Jane's confusion, she continued, "First, he stole most my chocolate muffins. I’m sure he was the one who google-eye’d our equipment. And the jerk hid my iPod and changed all my music to redneck radio!"

Jane eyed her for a couple moments before a small smirk showed. "You spiked his coffee yesterday."

"Garlic salt. It was just sitting there on the counter. I practically had to" she confirmed. Darcy was feeling very smug about her quick thinking.

"And now you're in a prank war with one of SHIELD's best spies" Jane pointed out, raising her eyebrows. "Good luck."

Jane went back to her equipment and Darcy blinked. Well crap. She hadn't thought of it like that. Now that she had finally caught up with the situation, she began to strategize her next move.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stepping off the elevator, Darcy glanced around the hall. All was quiet. Which was expected considering that the spies that lived on this floor were currently off on a mission.

She strode right to the door she knew belonged to one Agent Barton and stopped, shifting the weight of the bag on her shoulder. "Alright, J-man, let's do this thang. You're with me, right?"

"I am indeed, miss." The AI responded, as the lock clicked open.

"Thanks, J. You are. The best." Darcy told him as she slipped inside. You never truly knew how long any mission would take or who would wander by, so she didn't want to waste time. Barton's apartment had an open floor plan, similar to the other's she'd been in. The third door she peeked in was his bedroom and only had one dresser and the closet. She dropped to her knees, opened the top drawer and found his socks and underwear. Upending the bag, she dumped it's contents onto the floor and scooped his undergarments in. Then she lifted the pile from the floor and replaced it all, closing the drawer.

"We are so good, J" She spoke giddily.

"Might I suggest refraining from celebrating success until one is at least inside the elevator?"

"Good point. Stealth, it is." Darcy replied as she cracked the door and peeked into the hallway, assuring it was still empty. She whipped the door closed behind her and all but sprinted to the elevator. "You locked it back up, right?"

"Of course, Miss."

"I can celebrate now, right?"

"Indeed." Darcy would swear there was smugness in his tone. She squealed as she flung her arms out and did a happy dance. Which ended as the elevator dinged to notify her that she'd arrived at the gym floor. Quickly tamping down on her giddiness and tossing a quick prayer to Thor, Darcy tightly tucked the bag under her arm and strode into the gym as nonchalantly as she could. The gym was empty except for Steve & Sam next to each other on the treadmills. She gave them a smile as she made her way to the women's locker room.

Once inside, she took a moment to listen for anyone that might be in there. When she was sure that it was only her, she choose a random unused locker and stuffed the bag inside. On her way out, she gave the two men another smile & a small wave that they returned. Upon returning to the elevator, she decided a celebratory snack was in order. "The lobby, please, J-man? I'm feeling the need to treat myself for a job well done." "Of course, Miss Lewis."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nothing happened in the next few days. Darcy had yet to see Barton so she was wondering how long this mission actually was and hoped it was going well.

Jane’s head popped up from behinds some equipment when Darcy arrived in the lab with coffee and pastries. “Tell me you’ve got danish."

“I do indeed, boss lady”, she confirmed.

Jane met her at her workstation, holding part of the machine she was working on, and began digging in the bag. “How’s the prank war going? I haven’t heard you say anything lately."

“I think they’re still on a mission. I haven’t seen him or Natasha in almost a week.” She replied, sipping her coffee.

“i hope it’s going ok” Jane said as she sat in Darcy’s chair and took a bite of her procured treat.

The piercing blast of an air horn ripped through the air, startling both women into screams. Darcy’s coffee was knocked over the tabletop, spilling over pages of notes. Jane rocketed out of the chair, the equipment flying from her hand, crashing to the ground. The two stood staring at each other, breathing heavily.

“Oh my god.” Jane whispered.

“Oh my god.” Darcy agreed.

“I’m gonna kill him.” Jane bent and picked up the now cracked pieces. “I’m going to get Mjolnir and I’m going to kill him."

“You go, boss lady. I’ll help.” Darcy was nearly panting as she waited for her heart rate to slow back to a normal rate.

“I can’t believe he did that in here. IN HERE.” Darcy followed along beside Jane as she stormed out of the lab. They passed through the door together and froze, gasping, as a torrent of water rushed down upon them. A growl sounded from Jane and she stalked to the elevator. Darcy was effectually rendered speechless at this point. Just as she stabbed the call button, an arrow struck above them and purple glitter rained down, covering everything within a 6 foot radius. The shrill sound coming from Jane could be heard all the way in Bruce’s lab.

Clint Barton was nowhere to be found. They checked his apartment and all the common areas, including the gym. That got them some interesting looks. Darcy thought she saw Steve stumble on the treadmill. They even braved knocking on Natasha’s door. To her credit, the only reaction she gave was a slight widening of her eyes before stating she didn’t know Clint’s whereabouts. Giving up the search temporarily, they each went to clean up.

An hour and a half later, Darcy's door opened to reveal a much cleaner Jane, holding several shopping bags. "Let's do this", she said, eyes narrowed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning, Clint and Natasha returned to his apartment from their run.

"What's going on with you and Foster & Lewis?" She inquired, claiming a seat at the island bar.

"Just a few pranks with Lewis. Foster just happened to have gotten caught in the last one. Why, you want to play?" he smirked at her. She chuckled and shook her head.

"I'd be careful, if I were you. Between Foster's smarts and Lewis' deviousness, who knows what they'll come up with."

"Ahhhh, please." He waved her off. "They got nothing on me. Coffee?"

“Please, and yes, I saw the glitter. Very nice. Have they retaliated yet?"

“Not that I’ve seen”, he returned as he prepped the machine.

“Do I need to ask who started it?” Nat asked with a roll of her eyes.

“Hey now, this was Lewis’ fault.” He said turning to face her. “Okay, I may have been stealing some snacks, but she started it by putting out dog biscuits instead. Ugh, those things are nasty.” He shuddered as he reached for the cabinet containing his mugs, opening it wide.

A cascade of ping pong balls rained down, bouncing off the counters, walls, and floor.

The tinging sound of plastic spheres continued for what felt like ages. When enough had fallen from the cabinet, a paper lowered, taped to the inside shelf. It read 'STAY THE HELL OUT OF THE LAB'. He turned his head to look at Natasha.

"I guess the retaliation question is answered", she said with a raised eyebrow.

"Damn." He sighed, looking back at the cabinet. "Ok, I got to give them credit for that. How the hell did they get so many to stay in there?"

Turning back, he grinned evilly, "you know this means I'm upping my game", to which Natasha sighed and shook her head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Darcy was bringing some of Jane's reports to Tony when she felt something hit the back of her head. Rubbing at it, she turned and looked around, but didn't see anyone or anything. Continuing down the hall, something hit her shoulder. She stopped, waited, then looked around. Once again, nothing. Huffing out a breath of frustration, she put on a bit more speed to get her errand done.

A couple hours later, on her way to lunch, something hit the back of her head again. This time, she saw something shiny on the floor. Darcy crouched down and found it to be a paper clip, bent slightly.

"Seriously, Barton?" she called out, "this is where we're at? Not cool, dude." She turned back towards the elevator and received another to the back of her head. Growling, she pushed the button, glad for the escape the enclosed room gave her.

Throughout the next two days, anytime Darcy was in the hallways, she could be sure to get hit with the tiny missiles. She tried to find where he was hiding, but hadn't had any luck. She was sure he was in the vents somewhere, but he wasn't taking shots while she was in her apartment of any of the labs, so she was thanking Thor for small favors.

She also hadn't managed to come up with another good prank. Sure, there were lists of them on the Internet, but a girl had to have some standards. She’d already messed with his coffee and his underwear (and she knew for a fact that he hadn’t found the bag in the locker room). He already used glitter and google eyes, so those were out. Anything to do with the bathroom was an immediate no. Just...ew. So many others just wouldn’t work. Confetti in car vents was awesome…if he had a car. She didn’t dare try it to any of the SHIELD vehicles. Knowing her luck, Natasha or even Fury would be the one to turn on the A/C. No, thanks, she not have a death wish. She also didn’t want anyone else getting caught in the cross-fire, like Jane had. Ok, if she was being honest, it totally depended on who. A few good laughs at Tony’s expense would be enjoyable, but she’d feel so awful if Bruce ended up getting tangled up in this. Especially if it cause a Code Green. Yikes.

By the end of the third day, Darcy had had it. She was done. Soooooo done.

“Alright, Barton, you win. Happy?” She called after getting hit in the hip with an extra large clip while waiting for the elevator. “No more goddamn clips!"

Another clip hit her in the center of her chest. Her eyes widened as she took a deep breath.

“I said, you won, you jerk. Now back off. Any more hit me and I swear...” She turned as the elevator arrived… and felt the sharp ping on her butt cheek.

“That’s it! The next time I see you, you’re mine!” She all but shrieked as she stomped in and the doors closed. She could’ve sworn she heard him chuckling.

By the time she reached her apartment, she was fuming. She had a light supper, watched a movie and called it a night. Unfortunately, she spent most of it tossing and turning. Half the time, she was trying to think of a way to get him back, the other half, bemoaning her lack of sleep. She thought she’d managed to doze off, only to find herself awake a short time later.

Checking her clock, Darcy found it to be barely past 3 in the morning. She decided that she needed ice cream and practically flung her covers off the bed in her impatience. It only added to her foul mood to find that she was out of ice cream. Growling, she grabbed her sweatshirt and taser. If she was going to head to the shared kitchen, she was going to be prepared in case Clint happened to be there as well. She didn’t think that she’d actually tase him, but she liked the idea of being able to at least threaten him with it.

When Darcy arrived on the common floor, it was very dimly lit, just a small handful of accent lights.

“Would you like me to raise the light level, Miss Lewis?” JARVIS’ voice softly spoke.

“No, thanks, J. Just grabbing some snacks, then heading back to bed. I don’t want to be too awake” she told him. His “As you wish” was softly returned, then all was again quiet. Darcy fiddled with her taser in her pocket as she crossed the big silent room. She wasn’t usually up at these hours, and even then, she was never up here. It was downright eerie. She was going to make it a point to not come up here in the wee hours unless she had someone with her. Thankfully, there was ice cream and after scooping some out, she sat at the table, eating and considering how to best deal with one Clint Barton. Even after she’d cleaned up her mess, she was no closer to any ideas. With her hands in her pockets, she decided to throw in the towel for the night and head back to bed. Maybe she’d be able to sleep now.

Or maybe not.

As she turned out of the kitchen, there was someone standing right in front of her. Without thinking, without breathing (hell, she was pretty sure even her heart had stopped working properly), her hand jerked out of her pocket and fired her taser.

A loud groan erupted from the man and as he fell backwards, sparks erupted from his shoulder. Darcy shrieked, dropping her taser and covering her mouth. She ran to his side, yelling at JARVIS for lights. Of course, it just had to be Barnes. That was just her luck for today, electrocuting the Captain’s best bud after he’d finally convinced to come in from the cold.

“Oh my god. Oh my god. I’m so sorry. JARVIS, get help, please, get help. Oh god, I’m SO sorry!” Darcy knew she was rambling, but she figured it was warranted.

“Oh god, that hurt.” Barnes moaned. He was still lying on the floor, but had brought his right hand up to rub his chest where the probes had gotten him.

“Are you ok? I mean, yeah, I know, not really cause I just zapped you, but I mean, you’re not dead, so that’s good, right?” Ok, so she might be on the edge of freaking out. A little.

“I’m ok. I think.” He started to sit up, but stopped almost immediately. “Wait…my arm isn’t working."

“What?” Oh look. The freaking out was back. “Your arm? Oh god, it was sparking before. Did I fry it?"

Several loud bangs heralded the arrival of Captain Rogers, Darcy and Bucky looking up at the noise. Barnes rolled himself to his side and sat up as the captain rushed to his side.

“Buck? You okay? What happened? JARVIS said you were in an accident.” He fussed as he knelt down, looking Bucky over for injury, and spying the taser on the floor. “What the hell is that? Darcy?”

Darcy had seen Steve’s blue eyes plenty of times, but never had she seen such an accusing sadness, and directed at her.

It was more than she could take. After being on constant alert for Clint for 3 days, getting no sleep tonight, and then the adrenaline fueled post-tasing freak out, she completely broke. Bottom lip quivering, tears pooled in her eyes and she damn near sobbed her apologies.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t know he was there. I didn’t mean to. It was dark and suddenly he was there and it happened before I even knew I did it” she whimpered, closing her eyes to the floor.

“Jesus, Steve. You made her cry.” Darcy heard a thump, which sounded like Barnes hitting Rogers, but she was too busy tucking into herself to check. The next thing she knew, she was being pulled into very strong arms. Or well, arm. “I’m fine, doll. Just surprised the hell out of me."

“I electrocuted you”, she sniffled into his chest. And holy hell, what a chest.

“Yeah, okay, that kind of stung.” He admitted.

“And I broke your arm” she pointed out, lifting up to look at the mentioned appendage.

“Wait, what happened to his arm?” Steve leaned in.

“It’s not working. I can’t move it.” Bucky explained.

“At all?” Steve asked, reaching over to grasp the wrist. As he raised the lower half of the arm, sparks started in the bicep and elbow area, causing him to drop it as they all flinched. “Jeez. JARVIS, where’s Tony?"

“Sir is currently asleep in his lab. I have no doubt he would take it as a personal affront if this situation was not brought to his attention."

“Ok, let’s go wake up Tony. Maybe he can fix this.” Steve said as he got to his feet, helping the other two stand.

“Why were you walking around with a taser anyway?” Bucky wanted to know as they headed to the elevator. He’d been assured the tower was damn near impenetrable, so why was she arming herself.

"Clint and I have been having a prank war." She explained "and for the last few days, he's been shooting me with paper clips. I told him the next time I saw him, he was gonna get it. I mean, I wasn't planning to really tase him, just threaten him."

"A prank war?" Darcy could feel the disapproval in Steve's tone, even though he wasn't looking at her. "Someone could have really gotten hurt, Darcy. What if that had been Pepper or Jane? What if it’d been Bruce? I’m pretty sure the big guy wouldn’t have been happy about that and who knows who would’ve been hurt then”.

“I KNOW. I can’t say enough how sorry I am.” She sighed, guilt-ridden. As they all stepped into the elevator, she promised, “I swear, I’m done. I never thought someone would get hurt."

Tony was more than happy to get his hands on the Winter Soldier’s arm and had it repaired in no time, despite his multiple offers for upgrades.

The next morning, Captain America glared everyone into the agreement that there would be no more prank wars.

He gave them 6 months.


End file.
